The Examining Table

Jinkies! A new discovery!

2009-10-26T23:07:11Z

I’ve discovered a new love, something that is so awesome I’ve cheerfully gotten crazy bruises and pulled muscles, yelled myself hoarse and nearly given myself a concussion while doing it.

I discovered Roller Derby.

Lea works for the American Lung Association and they had an event on the 17^th at a Richmond Derby Demons game. Awesome spouse that I am, I went with her to help out and then proceeded to spend the entire game gawking at the players and talking with one of the refs. The ref I spent the game talking with turned out to be Square Cat, one of the co-captains of the Derby Demons and he tried to convince me to come out to a practice. As I hadn’t skated since I was in elementary school and was never very good, I politely declined but offered myself as a volunteer/groupie.

After the game was over we went to a local bar for the after-party and had an absolute blast. I loved all the players and they eventually talked me into coming out to a practice by telling me that it didn’t matter that I couldn’t skate, they’d teach me. They pointed out several of their players who couldn’t skate before they started doing derby, so I figured I’d give it a shot.

I showed up at their Monday practice and was outfitted with a full kit of safety gear, gave me a waiver to sign and skated off to do their stretches. Waiver signed and safety gear donned I realized I could barely stand on the carpet in my skates, forget that oh-so-slick gleaming wood floor. Demolition Durga very patiently coaxed me out on to the rink and pried my hands from their death grip on the rail. She went around the rink with me a few times, making sure that I knew the basics of pushing off and how to fall. I wobbled around the rink a bunch of times and fell pretty regularly, thank god for knee pads. Even though I fell a lot, most of the time it didn’t hurt, except when I tried to catch myself with the rail. The further I got from the rail, the more confident I became. By the end of the practice, while not skating fast, my form was good and I could go a few times around without falling. Everyone was so nice and encouraging, no one made fun of the rookie and the whole team was full of sarcastic smart-asses. I went home exhausted but exhilarated.

And then I was in agony for 2 days because getting up on skates uses your inner thigh and groin muscles far more then anything else. My legs were covered (still are) in dark purple bruises, but I didn’t care because it was sooo much fun.

I went back for Thursday’s practice and skated the entire 2 hours with 3 falls. It was so much fun to be able to skate so fast I could feel the air swooshing past me. All the players were telling me how much I improved and that they were really proud of the progress I’d made. They gave me the warm fuzzies, it was awesome. At the practice I volunteered to bench coach for their game on Saturday just so I could have more Derby. I couldn’t wait another 3 days until the next practice, I wanted to be a part of the team.

So I bench-coached this past Saturday and we won our game, it was awesome. I got even more praise for being an awesome bench coach and when they took the team picture, they included me in it. They like me, I like them, and I felt like I belong. I can’t describe how wonderful it felt to be part of the team.

I think I’ve really found my place with the Derby Demons, I fit in with them so well it doesn’t seem like I just met them 9 days ago. I’m getting ready to buy my knee pads and am investigating a pair of skates. I want this, the exercise, the people, the team. It’s almost too awesome. I found something physical that I love doing and actually have the chance to be good at. I love my kickboxing classes, but I’ll never be anything but average unless I lose about a hundred pounds, and that’s ok, I don’t want to be a competitive kickboxer. Roller Derby is something I can be good at, where body type doesn’t matter because there’s a position for everyone. I’m built to be a blocker for Derby, and have got the right attitude for bench coaching until my skating gets good enough. I will be a competitive Roller Derby Player.

Time for practice J

There is no Jess, only wedding

2009-08-31T05:06:19Z

A metric butt-ton of stuff has happened since the last time I've written in early June. The highlights are as follows:

* I had major emergency surgery to remove my gallbladder at the end of June. I was out of work for 2.5 weeks.
* Lea and I decided that we are going to be responsible for my youngest brother because my parents refuse to.
* I received my first ever written warning at my Job. I've been working for almost 10 years and have never received one until last month.
* My job changed drastically to the point where all of my colleagues in the same position are unhappy.
* I have set a goal to be in another job by the end of this year.
* I have stepped the holes in my ears up to an 8-Gauge.
* I started kickboxing at the end of July and have already begun to lose weight.
* I got my hair dyed red and had a large amount of it chopped off
* I had my stag party at Floating World (Huge fetish convention) and found an awesome play partner who lives in the Baltimore area.
* I teched for the White Elephant Burlesque Society at Floating World and averted a disaster that almost made the show not happen.
* My laptop got a malware infection so bad it corrupted every executable file and the CD drivers so no fix could be loaded, Lea's dad is fixing it.
* Did I mention I'm getting married in a week?

My brain has been eaten by the wedding. My psyche has turned into some sort of demented wedding channel, all wedding, all the time. Even as I write this I'm listening to music to make the ceremony prelude playlist.

I'm getting married in a week. Everyone asks if I'm nervous about getting married and about how my relationship will change. Truth be told I'm not nervous at all when it comes to that. Lea and I are all but married anyway and I have absolutely no qualms about pledging my love to her. The thing that I'm nervous about is what sort of horrible thing my mother will try to pull.

My mother is the most self-centered person I have ever come across. Example: Today she texted Lea and I to see if we had time to take my brother shopping for khakis. Now really, would you ever ask someone 7 days away from their wedding to get your son some khakis because you didn't want to ask your husband?! I left a voicemail for her asking if she really meant to send the text to me. I'm still angry with her and so is Lea. This is the sort of shit that she pulls all the time and the reason why most of our family gatherings end in screaming fights.

So yeah, I'm totally excited about the wedding, but not so much about my mom.

The ceremony prelude music is actually done now, I'm quite proud of it because it includes the Bond theme song and "Ride of the Valkyries" among others.

It's now 1:08 AM and I started writing this at 9, I think it's time for bed.

Please to help the mes!

2009-07-29T17:37:10Z

It seems like we've been asking for help a lot recently, I'm not proud of it and I'm sorry to ask for help again, but is anyone available to pick Lea up from the airport tonight?

Her plane gets in from Atlanta at 7:47 and I have my first ever kickboxing class at 7:30 so I can't go get her. My dad is volunteering tonight so he can't do it, and I hate to ask you guys for help, again, but I got nothing else.

I hope all of you know that Lea and I value your time and friendship, and that when you need help we will be there for you just like all of you have been there for us.

Please let me know on here, or you can text me if you've got my number.

Cross-posted to chez_luguvalium

Because the naked ladies told me to . . .

2009-07-10T03:58:05Z

. . . I took the belief-omatic quiz thing.

This quiz has been around since I started college in 2002 and I took it in the beginning of 03 when I first started blogging. When I took it back then, my views solidly aligned with Judaism with conservative being the top contender. No surprises there, because while I was still orthodox, by that point in time I was starting to question.

Now, my beliefs are reading as Neo-Pagan, Unitarian Universalist, which correctly names the way I identify myself, a Jagan-UU. I think it's really interesting how accurate the quiz was, and even more interesting to compare the beliefs of college-me to now-me. I'm always amazed at how much I've changed since then. It's been 6 years since I was a freshman; 6 years is not long, but I'm so different I almost can't relate to the person I was then. I feel like the time has been one big chrysalis phase, and now I'm fighting my way out to become something different, something more. What that is, I don't know. Hell, I don't even know what kind of job I want, even ideally. But whatever, the universe has a way of aligning my life properly and doesn't appreciate much medling from me so I'll sit back at let it come.

The top score on the list below represents the faith that Belief-O-Matic, in its less than infinite wisdom, thinks most closely matches your beliefs. However, even a score of 100% does not mean that your views are all shared by this faith, or vice versa.

Belief-O-Matic then lists another 26 faiths in order of how much they have in common with your professed beliefs. The higher a faith appears on this list, the more closely it aligns with your thinking.

How did the Belief-O-Matic do? Discuss your results on our message boards.

1.	Neo-Pagan (100%)
2.	Unitarian Universalism (95%)
3.	Reform Judaism (94%)
4.	New Age (89%)
5.	Liberal Quakers (86%)
6.	Mainline to Liberal Christian Protestants (83%)
7.	Mahayana Buddhism (78%)
8.	New Thought (78%)
9.	Jainism (77%)
10.	Baha'i Faith (72%)
11.	Sikhism (70%)
12.	Orthodox Judaism (69%)
13.	Secular Humanism (65%)
14.	Theravada Buddhism (64%)
15.	Hinduism (62%)
16.	Islam (60%)
17.	Scientology (56%)
18.	Christian Science (Church of Christ, Scientist) (49%)
19.	Nontheist (46%)
20.	Taoism (45%)
21.	Orthodox Quaker (45%)
22.	Mainline to Conservative Christian/Protestant (36%)
23.	Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints (Mormons) (35%)
24.	Eastern Orthodox (28%)
25.	Roman Catholic (28%)
26.	Jehovah's Witness (20%)
27.	Seventh Day Adventist (19%)

» Take the Belief-O-Matic quiz again

Maybe I should update

2009-07-04T16:58:37Z

. . . But I'm not in the mood to just yet. Instead, you get a very handy link that's mostly for quietdeath who's currently involved in a sock war at work. However, I think many of you *nudgeburlesquefolksnudge* will find the merchandise on this site fun to look at, even if you're not involved in a sock war of your own.

www.sockdreams.com

And specially for those in the medical profession www.sockdreams.com/_shop/pages/socks_detail_ProductID_1585.php

Update to come soon detailing my own take on the harrowing tale of my emergency surgery and lengthy recovery, not to mention the very successful mall assault of yesterday.

Love to everyone!

Sad panda

2009-06-06T19:42:59Z

I have 4 first cousins. Adam and Jason, from my cool Tante Alene and Uncle Ron and Robbie and Christopher, from my Uncle Bill and his divorced religious-nut wife.

All were invited to the wedding (except for the right-wing, home-school-to-save-from-the-heathens, super-saved Christian ex-wife). Robbie is 21, has a job and lives with my Uncle bill because he couldn't get behind the religious-nutness of his mom and her new husband. Robbie couldn't deal with the two of them saying that his entire extended family was going to hell because they're Jewish. Sadly, when the divorce happened Chris was not old enough to understand what was going on (he was under 10), so he was brought up under these crazy religious views. Chris was subjected to crazy home-schooling (note, I'm not against home schooling), Christian-camp and being holed up in Scotsville away from the general population.

I invited Chris to the wedding because I love him and want him to be there. I didn't think that his mom would let him come, but as his dad has joint-custody and he's only 17, I figured he and his dad would work something out. I was wrong.

Not only did Chris RSVP no on facebook, he posted a lame-ass "Sorry, I won't be able to make it". No reason for why he can't or won't be attending, and this leads me to believe that it's for religious reasons. I know that there might be other reasons, so I messaged him and asked why, I haven't received a response. Because our wedding is the day before labor day, it's not like he's going to be on vacation and if he were starting college, it's on a long weekend for pete's sake.

It may have been silly to think so, but I thought he'd want to come to the wedding and I'm hurt that he won't be there. I half expected that he wouldn't be, but that doesn't make me feel less hurt.

. .
~

Keep your past outta my present!

2009-05-20T03:15:35Z

Some of you may know about my family's terrible traumatic break with the Orthodox Jewish community of Richmond. Most of you probably don't know it because it's a painful story to tell. The story brings up a burning hatred in me that I've never felt for anything else and hopefully never will.

It started with my my family leaving the Jewish day school (Rudlin Torah Acadmey, or RTA) for public school. Pinina (older sister), Eitan (older younger brother) and I were all attending school there but were forced out due to the actions of the principal and the school's financial backer. The principal then used the fact that we were all in public school to pressure families into shunning us. The public school kids couldn't be trusted around the pure Jewish kids who were "on the path" (of Jewish righteousness) because we would lead them astray. Instead of trying to keep us connected to the community every orthodox Jew needs, we suddenly found ourselves without anyone to celebrate holidays with or to talk to at synagogue. We were made to feel unwanted. The girls in the Jewish high school were forbidden to talk to my sister and I, despite the fact that my sister had attended the school for 3 years and I was already friends with several of them. We lost family friends that had been around since I was small with barely a word.

This past Friday while were having family dinner, I discovered that the school's principal had been trying to get together a group to do the Jewish version of excommunication to us. The Jewish version of excommunication isn't really excommunciation, it's cutting the person off from the Jewish people and is considered a harsher punishment than the death penalty. I'm not sure how this would work in today's world, but I know that it would have meant we would've needed to move far away from the east cost to escape it. Pinina found out about this when she had coffee with one of her old school friends months ago, and my mother only told me about it on Friday.

During this same dinner, I also discovered that the whole chain of events was kicked off by my mother being suspicious about what the school's primary financial backer was doing with the profits the school made. Obviously the backer didn't like this, and because he was in bed with the principal (figuratively) and the principal had the power in the community, he was able to make life hell for my family. The whole thing of kicking us out of the school and cutting us off from the community was to protect the financial backer. This tells me he was guilty of something, but that's not the point. These two fuckers sacrificed my entire family to "protect the community" from my mother's "dangerous ideas." It didn't matter that my mother was the best fundraiser the school had ever had and that she created several events that put the school on the freakin' map. It didn't matter that they were ruining our lives and going against the teaching of Judaism. These people who claimed to be the religious leaders of the community used their power to decimate my family to save themselves. My mother may have suffered, but the ones they hurt the most were us kids. Their fear of my mother made them lash out at her through her children because they knew that she would fight for us. Hurting her children was the most efficent and effective means of hurting my mother and oh god did they do it well.

This new information has taken my disgust and hatred of these two people to an entirely new level. I honestly did not think that I was capable of such incredible loathing. It's a burning passionate hatred for anything associated with these people. I've written words here, but they just don't convey the pure hatred I have of these people. Wrapped up in this hatred is all of the emotions I felt as a confused 14 year-old Jewish girl in a public high school with no support. The betrayal, the sadness, the loneliness, the confusion, the alienation, it's all smashed together with my adult understanding of what happened and that what these two people did was absolutely and unequivocally wrong.

What sparked this off? I came home this evening to find a letter inviting me to the Boys' yeshiva building dedication and asking for donations. This is the same building I spent K-8 in, just renovated and re-purposed. The letter was from RTA, and it was signed by the principal.

I don't know how they would have gotten my address because I've never received any other alumni stuff and my address isn't even on facebook, nor do I have a listing in the white pages because I don't have home phone. No one in the Jewish Community of Richmond should have my current address unless they have gotten it from one of the corporate entities I do business with, so in addition to being infuriated, I am also creeped out by how they found me. But aside from that, what I feel right now is how dare he have the chutzpah to ask me for money for his new venture? I'm bad enough to toss out of the community, but still good enough that you can accept my money?! Bastard, charlatan, criminal, false religious leader, embarassment to the Jewish people! If he were here I would spit in his face and hope that I had deadly flu so he would get it too. I hope that he and the financial backer get found out and they live long enough to watch their empire crumble around them. I wish upon them all of the humiliation that my family had to go through. May they be punished in the way in which they sinned.

I don't really feel better now, but I had to get that out.

Language Fail

2009-05-02T04:15:36Z

I love the professor for my cultural diversity class. Despite the fact that I hate school, I'm enjoying this class because the professor is intelligent and does not suffer fools.

For example:

Clueless classmate: Blah Blah blah unrelated to topic, everyone is guilty of something

Professor of Awesome: I do not follow your thought here. "Everyone is guilty of something"? I would disagree. I suppose you could have a group of guilty people, but am not sure how this relates to our discussion on stereotypes?

Clueless classmate: I feel that the word "guilty" is not always a negative word. You can be guilty of doing positive things as well. "Guilty" is not always meant as doing a bad thing but doing good things as well. So yes, everyone is guilty of doing something.

Professor of Awesome: The word "guilty" means having committed an offense, crime, violation. It does have a negative connotation.

Clueless classmate: Can you be guilty of doing good things? Things that are positive? Why does it all have to be bad things?

Professor of Awesome: Because that is how the word is defined.

Professor of Awesome for the win!

I love the fact that the professor corrected her. In my previous classes the professors would add a few token comments to the discussion and then ignore it. Incorrect information would be spewed back and forth because there was no one with authority to smack down the stupid people. Professor of Awesome does that, and he actually facilitates the discussions. I'm almost giddy with happiness over this professor.

Woohoo tax return!

2009-04-17T23:54:41Z

I got my tax return today. While I'm not going to be gauche and say how much it was, I will say that it's almost double my biweekly paycheck.

After putting almost 3/4 of it into savings for the wedding . . .

. . . AMAZON HERE I COME!

Today also happens to be payday :-D

In which our hero finds the source of her power in question

2009-04-11T23:10:46Z

My claddagh ring broke yesterday. It's .925 sterling silver and I've had it since I was 19. A few of my friends bought it for me from Exile for my 19th birthday and it's always meant a great deal to me. I noticed a crack in it a few weeks ago, but thought it was a scratch in the silver. I love this ring, it's the first piece of jewelry that somone other than my parents bought for me, and I've worn it almost every day since October 12th 2003.

When I was single, my claddagh was a reminder to myself that I wouldn't always be alone, that someday I would find the person who fit into my heart and I would be able to turn the ring's heart towards my own. When I found that person (or rather, when she found me) the ring became a symbol of my commitment to her, particularly when I bought her one of her own.

It's now broken, and I feel like a bit of me broke with it. Because of how long I've had it, and the incredible meaning it has for me, the ring absorbed a good deal of my personal energy. Somone once told me that my ring was a talisman because of the high energy levels, and I firmly believe that. My hand feels incomplete without it. I can see the smooth, hairless band of skin around my right middle finger that marks where it lived. The skin is so smooth from wear that it's almost shiny. I can't type properly b/c my fingers are so used to the weight of the ring.

Not having my ring makes me incredibly sad. I'd like to get it repaired if at all possible, but there's a small part of me that doesn't want to, because I know when I get it back it won't be the same. That might be more sad then not having it.

It makes me wonder if my claddagh breaking is symbolic of how broken I feel. I've been feeling pretty broken for the past few weeks, and it strikes me that I noticed the crack right around when I started feeling crappy. Wednesday I reached a new low with thoughts of suicide, and 2 days later, the ring is cracked all the way . . . like me.

My psychiatrist put me on Prozac which I got filled yesterday, but I haven't taken any yet as I'm a bit scared to. *sigh*

If you watch Battlestar Galactica this will be the funniest thing you've seen all day

2009-04-06T03:07:36Z

In the five years I've had an LJ, I have never posted a video, ever. Tonight I am breaking this tradition because this video made me laugh longer and harder than I have in months. I promise, it's not a rickroll.

I'm going to go die laughing now.

This is what happens when I browse Etsy for too long

2009-03-25T03:14:33Z

Bring Out Your Dead pocket watch
Originally uploaded by Doktor Crash

Check out the awesomeness that will soon be mine. I was looking through Etsy under the guise of finding wedding jewelry for myself (Lea has hers, I picked it!) and stumbled on this. In true enabling fashion, Lea convinced me to buy it for myself, so now the spiffiness will be coming to me!!!

This is what I get for browsing games on Amazon

2009-03-22T15:34:55Z

I have the urge to throw a murder mystery party. Sadly, our apartment does not have enough room (or a big enough table) to have the minimum of 6 people over. Nor is our kitchen quite big enough for me to cook the awesome food that needs to go with a murder mystery game.

This makes me sad, because I'd like to throw a dinner party. *pouts*

My god I'm turning into my mother, I want to cook for people! Gah!

Some decisions are too hard to make on your own

2009-03-21T21:41:32Z

First of all I'd like to thank everyone that has supported me with regard to school. Whether you gave me sage advice, or just comment hugs, I really appreciate it.

After 2 major emotional meltdowns in about a week, I have decided that I will not be ocntinuing with University of Phoenix. Both Lea and my awesome therapist helped me to make this decision, because it was not one I could make myself.

Three weeks into my first class, I was miserable. I finished out the first set of classes and allowed myself to be led along with the promise that it would get better once I hit my major classes. The students got more intelligent and articulate, but the classes did not. The first set of classes really fooled me into thinking that I could handle school full time while working full-time. They were so easy, and because it was material I already knew, I didn't see that the methodolgy of fast-paced online courses absolutely does not fit my learning style. I learn by discussing, teaching, and doing, none of which can be done in an online environment. I was so excited about going back to school and in love with the idea of going to class on my schedule, that I let myself be led by the nose to a program that was never going to work for me. I'm not sure what I was thinking. When I was applying to college in high school, I went and checked out the shools I was thinking about attending, silly me didn't do this for UoP, I just listened to the recruiter.

Rule Number 1: Never ever listen to a recruiter. A recruiter's job is to talk you into doing something. They're hired because they are fast talkers and know how to sell an expensive product that isn't quite good enough to sell itself. If it's not good enough to sell itself through normal means, you should stay far far away from it.

I don't think I've ever had experience with this form of hard-selling before. My recruiter lied to me about how the classes worked to convince me that I would have enough time to work and study. Almost everything out of his mouth was complete and utter BS, and I fell for it. I feel betrayed and very very stupid. I would also like to find the recruiter and punch him, because it would make me feel better in the short-term.

Rule Number 2: Know when to cut your losses. I made a very expensive mistake by going to UoP, but I couldn't admit that I'd made a mistake because I'm one of those people who sticks with something once I've started it. I have a hard time factoring my own happiness into my decision-making. I think it's the Jewish default setting of "I must suffer" or it could be m self-esteem issues, whatever. When UoP wasn't working out for me, I was trying so hard to shove my round-peg self into the square-peg classes that I lost sight of the fact that I was never going to fit no matter how hard I tried.

Rule Number 3: Just because it's not working out doesn't mean you're a failure. This is probably the hardest thing for me to admit. When I can't do something, or am anything less than good at an activity, I view it as a personal failure. This "failure" then feeds into the list of fuckups that ticker-tapes across the bottom of my consciosness at all times. Logically I know I'm not a failure, emotionally I feel like I should be living on the street because of how many chance I've wasted. It took Lea and my therapist to help me understand that leaving the game early doesn't mean you lost, it means that you have the oppurtunity to find a game you're good at playing.

Rule Number 4: College isn't for everyone. I'm really intelligent, but college doesn't work for me. I am simply not suited to sit in a class room and be taught stuff. I need to do things to learn, because I retain absolutely nothing when I hear it. Seriously, I don't, mostly it's because of my attention span. I may be looking at your face, and hearing what you say, but my brain is busy doing a million other things at once and can't focus on remembering what's been said because whee! there are a million more thoughts in my brain. When I did stuff in paramedic school, I retained almost all of it. Why? Because we had practicals where I put things into action.

Regardless of how much justification I give myelf for leaving UoP, it still feels like yet another thing I can't do with regards to school. I'm having a really hard time not feeling like a totall fuck-up who's never going to move beyond her failures. It's annoying.

I'm also officially depressed, and after breakdown number 2 this week, have come to the conclusion that I think I need to be on something for it. I have never before thought I needed to be on medication for depression. I have worked through so much shit without it, but I realized that even though I work through crap, I'm still depressed. I tend to go through likfe feeling fairly horrible inside, but because I can't even focus on my feelings, I don't even realize it until yet another bad thing happens and I break down. Half the time I know that I'm not ok, but can't tell you why or how b/c I'm just that distracted. Not being able to focus on what you feel is quite possibly one f the most awful things ever. It feels like my own brain betrays me. I managed to get an appointment with my shrink on Monday to discuss meds for my depression and an increase in my ADHD meds. Maybe drugs will help, becuase nothing else seems to.

I feel like I've let people down. I know that my friends will root for me and support me in most everything I do, but I can't shut up my inner voice. He's just so damn persistent. My depression is also affecting my relationship with Lea, and that's just not cool. I need to do some personal repairs and maintenance, after all, if a car needs it, I definitely do too.

I think I bit off more than I can chew

2009-03-10T01:54:58Z

I'm not sure what made me think that going back to school while working full time was a good idea. I'm thinking I suffered from temporary complete madness, that's the only explanation.

I'm behind in my classes, to the point where I'm going to have to get damn near perfect scores for the rest of the semester to get a B. No A's for me this semester. The U of Phoenix may be award-winning and grant umpteen diplomas every year, but it is fucking exhausting.

I feel like I have so much work that I'm not actually learning anything, I'm just spitting back answers that I've read from the outdated text and retaining nothing. I can barely do social things any more because I have too much schoolwork. When I'm not doing schoolwork, my brain wants to sit and stare at trashy TV because it means I don't have to think. I think all day at work, then I come home and think some more for school. My brain is dead.

It's impossible to keep things straight because they shift around the due dates for the assignments. The discussion questions are all due on Tuesday and Thursday, so I can remember that every Tuesday and Thursday, I have a DQ due. Not so for the assignments, they change every fucking week. I want there to be some rhyme or reason for when they're due so I can keep track of them.

The house is a wreck. Even me, the slob, says so. I have mounds of laundry that need to be done in our half-load washer. The cat boxes need to be cleaned, I need to unpack from Wicked Faire which was two weeks ago, the dishes need to be washed, we need to go grocery shopping. And I have to make decisions about what's for dinner because I'm the picky one (and the one that can cook).

I'm so not cut out to be a student and work and keep house. I feel like I got myself in way over my head both mentally and financially. I'm feeling really discouraged and falling into my old procrastinating habits. My insidious inner voice is starting to whisper to me that I'm a failure, and I'm starting to believe it again.

And it's damn near 10 o'clock and I've got two more assignments to do.

Why is writing references so hard?

2009-03-09T00:04:19Z

I want to know why it is so freakin' hard to write references in APA Style. MLA style may not have made much sense, but it sure was a hell of a lot easier. Why are there so many fiddley little things that call for huuuuge changes in a citation? And why do I need to include periods? It's not like it's a sentence!

Mostly I'm frustrated because I have this silly thing where my teacher gives us examples of things and we have to spit out a citation, but the categories she's giving are the only ones that don't have an example provided in the University's style guide "(modified APA) so I'm having to cobble together things that I'm unsure of, and I don't like that. The one that's currently giving me a headache is how to document a non-periodical website without an author. Now I know that you're supposed to document almost like a print document, but you don't really have many print documents without an author, so I'm stuck, and I hate it.

If anyone knows how to write a reference in APA style for a non=periodical website without a listed author, can you please tell me?

Grrrrrrr!

EDIT: I've just discovered that there are 95 different examples of references in the APA Style Guide. If you need to provide that many examples of references, methinks your style needs to be thinned out so people can actually use it. Just sayin'

Dear friends list, I need your help with a survey

2009-03-06T02:00:39Z

EDIT: I got everything in on time, thanks a million folks!

Cross-posted to chez_luguvalium

Hi folks, I pretty pretty please with a cherry on top need your help ASAP with a survey for a class assignment. The assignment is due at 2 am and I have to do some basic analysis of the results, so I need responses ASAP.

This survey only applies to people who are currently employed, so a big apology to all of my friends who currently don't have jobs.

Please post responses in the comments section. Indicate your answer whatever way you like, as long as it's obvious:

Educational Background:

Check One:

□ High School or GED Equivalent
□ Some undergraduate college work
□ Associate degree
□ Bachelor’s degree
□ Some graduate-level course work
□ Master’s degree or higher

If you attended college before selecting your career, how much practical knowledge did you gain from your academic experience as it related to the career you chose immediately following college?

Check one:

□ A great deal
□ Some practical knowledge
□ No practical knowledge gained

How long did it take to find your first career position after finishing your education (college or otherwise)?

Check one:

□ 0 to 3 months
□ 3 to 6 months
□ 6 months to 1 year
□ More than 1 year

Are you currently working in the career that you’d like to be in?

Check one:

□ Yes
□ No
□ My position is related to my career, but not the exact career I want

Does your current position place emphasis on certifications and/or licenses?

Check one:

□ Yes, certifications and/or licenses are required by my position
□ Yes, certifications and/or licenses are important to my position, but not required
□ Yes, certifications and/or licenses are desired by my supervisors, but they are not of any particular importance to my actual work.
□ No, certifications and/or licenses are not involved with my position and/or not available for my career.

Does your current position require formal continuing education (eg: keeping certifications and licenses current, attending conferences, etc)?

Check one:

□ Yes, continuing education are required by my position
□ Yes, continuing education is important to my position, but not required
□ No, continuing education is not involved with my position.

Do you intend to stay your current position?

Check one:

□ Yes
□ Maybe, I’m not actively thinking about leaving, but would if something better came along
□ No

If you answered no or maybe to the previous question, please indicate why you are not interested in remaining in your current position?

Check one:

□ I am looking to advance within my company
□ I am looking to advance outside of my company
□ My salary is too low
□ My benefits package is non-existent or leaves much to be desired
□ My current position does not fit with my career interests
□ Other: ________________________________________________________

Amazon reviews amuse me

2009-03-01T22:21:28Z

When I'm trying to make a decision between products to buy, I'll often go on Amazon to read reviews. I tend to pay more attention to the 2, 3, and 4 star reviews because they are often the ones that really say what a products good and bad points are. Even if a product has 300 good reviews, if it has 12 bad ones that all mention the same flaw, I'm going to make damn sure that I'm willing to risk having to deal with the product's warranty.

In my reading of reviews, I come across one particular type that amuses the hell out of me. These are the ones that start out with "I bought this product for my wife/son/cousin and it seems to be a really nice/functional/strong" like this gem:

"I bought these knives for my wife and they seem really good. There is only two in the set that are serrated, so I hope the straight edge doesn't dull, because they are very sharp. It does come with a sharpener, but I don't know how to use it. All around nice knives that have a real modern nuveau look. "

Now then, not only has this genius not used the knives, but he also thinks that serrated knives are better than straight edge. Obviously we know who does most of the cooking in that house, and yet, he posted a 5 star review.

I freakin' love these reviews because they're so ridiculous. Buying the product does not mean you can review it, you actually have to use it more than once. Along these same lines, not knowing how to use a part of the product doesn't mean you should give it a bad review either. Sure you can take off a half point for lack of good instructions, but mention that in your review.

For the most part Amazon reviews are fairly informative and useful, but it's gems like the one above that really make them worth reading.

How was I supposed to know?

2009-03-01T18:17:05Z

Begin Rant/

If I hear one more person say "How was I supposed to know" I am going to lose it. I'm a really understanding person when it comes to people not knowing things, and hell, even being ignorant. I am not an understanding person when it is within your power to find the correct answer and you don't because you are either a)Too lazy or b)Don't care to find out. These people use "how was I supposed to know?" as an excuse for their willfull ignorance, and I'm so freakin' done with it. Do you know how you were supposed to know? You ask someone, or if you don't have anywone to ask, you use the information available to you to find the answer to your question.

It's like telling an officer "how was I supposed to know that speeding was wrong?" You have a manual and you have access to traffic laws, that's how. That excuse wouldn't fly with the cops, and it sure as hell doesn't fly with me.

What brought this one was someone in my workplace saying "how was I supposed to know you weren't taking cases anymore?" Maybe if you had read your freakin' e-mail, you would've known that I'm being taken off the phones and elevated to Department Guru. Department Gurus don't take calls, and they don't have cases. Why? Because we're fucking special and deserve to not have to deal with stupid, arrogant, bitter people like you on the phone. You know this, and yet you ignored it. Even better, when confronted about it you used your second-line excuse of "it's not my responsibility". Yes it is your fucking responsibility to assign a case to the correct person when you re-open it. I don't give a flying fuck that you'll be in a different department tomorrow, when you do something as big as re-opening a case, you better be damn sure that the correct people know about it. Just because the case was originally mine doesn't mean it is now. If you re-opened a case for an employee who shifted departments does that mean that the case is their responsbility? No, it fucking well doesn't. RARGH!

This rant has been a long time coming, and I wish I could say everything I've said here and more to the person because I can't stand her. I'm really grateful that she's going to another department, because my patience with her incredible arrogance and stubborness is just about gone. I get that she's smart, she wouldn't be able to sepak 5 languages if she wasn't, but I'm smart too, and I'm not half the arrogant bitch she is. This woman validates almost every single stereotype about Germans that I've ever heard, it makes me want to refer to her as a Nazi, and I do not say that lightly. I have nothing against Germans, my manager, whom I love and adore is German, it's just that she's the fun type from Bavaria, while Evil Bitch is the freakin' Prussian Queen. Couple this inherent Prussian-ness with a complete inability to see more than her own opinion, and she's Megabitch, Euro-style.

/end rant

Wicked Faire IV

2009-02-24T00:11:52Z

Going to Wicked Faire this past weekend was probably one of the best decisions I've made in a while. When spookyhandle told me about WF, I thought it sounded awesome, but I didn't think I could go so I tried not to look at it too much. spookyhandle's post in her LJ begging crash space for me resulted in my being able to go, and I can't thank her enough.

I can think of few cons where I've enjoyed myself so thoroughly. Katsucon is great, and I always have fun, but I work the con. If I wasn't working and didn't love all the staff so much, I probably wouldn't go. Wicked Faire is different. I worked to get free admission, but I will not be doing so again next year, there's just too much stuff I want to see and do.

baronmind drove spookyhandle and I through the night up to NJ. I swear he's some sort of mutant super human, because there's no other explanation to how he could've driven 6 hours starting at 1 am, after a 2 hour nap. The drive was uneventful, we got to spookyhandle's friends' house a little before 7 and crashed out on their couch. After some errand running and food, we finally settled into the hotel around 4:00.

After settling in, I started to work security and didn't stop until midnight. Working security, while fun, is not something I will do again. I got to meet lots of people, but I barely got to spend any time with spookyhandle and baronmind, not to mention their awesome friends. Around 6, I left to take my stuff to my crash space. Silly me had not printed directions from the hotel to my crash space, so I got fairly lost, but eventually got there.

After stopping my security shift, I settled in for the viewing of REPO! The Genetic Opera, complete with shadowcast a la Rocky Horror. I'd never seen the movie before, and it was absofuckinglutely amazing. I still have the Zydrate Song stuck in my head and sang it all weekend. What was really great is that almost every time I would sing "And Zydrate comes in a little glass vial." someone else would sing the next lines. This was particularly awesome in the elevators. I have to own the movie and the soundtrack. Absolute must, no questions asked.

Stumbled back to Crash Space at 2 am, slept like the dead. Woke up, showered, got lost driving back to the hotel. Now, I didn't get lost because I couldn't find the hotel, oh no, I could see the fucking hotel, I just couldn't get to it because New Jersey is the land of No Left Turns. Now this is not like the irritating signs in downtown Richmond where it's done for traffic reasons or one-way streets, this is just that you are not allowed to make left hand turns, ever. To go left, or to make a U-turn, you have to turn right into what they call "Jug handles" but I like to call "let's fuck with the out-of state-drivers". The hotel was off of route 10, which I got onto from the highway. Now there were exits for Route 10 East and West, but you couldn't get to the hotel by taking either. The Route 10 E exit had you going the right direction, but it was about a mile past the hotel, so you had to find a jug handle to turn around and go west. Of course, you could only get to the hotel if you're going East, so you had to then travel 2 miles past the hotel, find another jug handle, and then turn around. Driving that morning made me want to kill people.

I worked a security shift until 3, and spent the rest of the day doing exactly what I wanted. Highlights of the day were:

spookyhandle's performance of adult fairy tales as Lilith Lore. It was absolutely awesome, I truly loved it. I especially liked how the fairy tales were adult, but not necessarily erotic.

The White Elephant Burlesque Society's (weburlesque.org) Candyland Brothel performance: This was probably my favorite event of the weekend. The performance was the absolute hottest thing I've ever seen. After the first girl's number, I spent the rest of the performance with my eyes glazed over in a state of tangible Sex. I say Sex and not horniness, b/c it was different than being horny. The acts were so deliciously sensual and erotic that to call the feeling something as simple as horny would be an insult. The whole room was charged with sex, it was quite a heady thing. I could go on and on about the performance, it was completely amazing. I decided that I wanted them for my Bachelor Party, so it's a good thing that spookyhandle knows most of them, lol.

Hanging out by the reg table: Not only did I succeed in getting a lot of people very drunk, I had an awesome time talking and flirting. The flirting was successful enough that I had to remind myself that I am afianced which was very good for my self-esteem. I had the most fun giving people nips of Tarantula out of my flask. It was so totally awesome to be able to carry my alcohol with me on my belt, I loved it.

I stayed out until about 4:15 Sunday morning b/c my crash space person didn't get home until 4:30. Fortunately I slept in until about 11:30 so I wasn't too exhausted. To my amazement, I wasn't hungover either. I fully expected to wake up hating life, but pleasantly didn't.

After running back to the Faire, I did some shopping, watched spookyhandle's performance again, and hung out for a bit with more WE Burlesque people before we got on the road. After leaving NJ, we went to one of baronmind's friend's house for dinner. We left there around 9 with baronmind driving again while spookyhandle and I slept. We slept for most of the way and arrived back in Richmond at about 1:45.

I got home around 2:15 and crawled into bed with my baby, the perfect end to an awesome weekend.

WOOHOO!!!

2009-02-09T03:27:30Z

I got A's in both of my courses!!!

Now I know it's no really big thing for me to have gotten A's in these two course. They were easy, but the fact that I stuck with them both and managed to get perfect scores for both of the final projects really makes me happy.

*does the happy dance*

In which our hero looks to the future.

2009-02-09T03:03:50Z

I interviewed for a promotion at work on the 30th. It was for a case manager position and would take me from a middle-level employee to a senior level. The position has a lot of cons, but it pays more than I make now and it's really the only other place I can go in the department. I wanted the job, but at the same time, I didn't want it. It was to be a stepping stone, and as I'm already doing everything the position requires, not a big change.

Sadly, I didn't get the position, they hired outside of the company for it. Now this is not because they didn't feel I could do the position. My boss actualy felt that I would be a great case manager. What helped her decide that I wasn't right for it was because she knew I'd be miserable. She told me that both she and the dirctor were really impressed with my interview, but that she knows I'd be happier in IT and that I'm really bored in my current department. She let me know that she's going to work as hard as possible to get me into IT within the next few months.

I'm strangely ok with this. Sure I was disappointed, but not particularly crushed or anything. I firmly believe that this is for the best. That's not just me trying to convince myself. I'm absolutely certain that I was not meant to have that job and that I will get something better.

I feel like I'm on the cusp of things. Like my life is just about to change in some huge fundamental way. It's like getting ready to skydive, adrenaline and fear and anticipation all mixed up into one. I hope my parachute works.

In other news, I cut most of my hair off. I am now, unmistakably, a dyke. What amuses the hell out of me is that even though it's reeeeaaaly short, it's still curly. I'm thinking about belaching and dying it. I want to do a crazy color like blue, but that's not really a good professional decision.

I can has wedding!

2009-02-02T22:07:47Z

This was written by goodgothgirl and I'm posting it b/c she writes a lot better than I do. I did add to it a little, but you can skip it if you already read it in her LJ:

We have an official 2009 wedding date: Sunday, Sept. 6. That's the Sunday of Labor Day weekend. YES!!!!!!!!!!

Many of you will be invited. However, there are some of you that we can't invite. Our venue is the backyard belonging to the lovely keryx, and I think that it's overly optimistic that we'll fit in the 90 guests we've whittled the list down to. Considering that our families, officiant and family (they're friends), our hostess, and our wedding party (of only 2 people!) make up a third of the guest list, we're having a hard time with numbers. We truly wish we could invite all of you, because you've been there for us. Please don't think that you're not important to us if we can't invite you. It's really a numbers game.

Other details:

* It's going to be potluck. We can't afford food for 90 people along with other expenses like the officiant (who will be $425 before we tip!) and the ketubah (see below). We want this to be a big tribal gathering, and just like you all have cared for us all through our relationship, we're asking you to help us have a party with great food. I hope that doesn't offend anyone.

* We *will* provide beverages, champagne, and cake. (Along with things like cups, plates, etc.)

* We'll be asking you to bring chairs, too, if you want to sit down. :)

* We will be incorporating elements of Jewish wedding ceremonies, including standing under a chuppah and signing a ketubah (marriage contract). We get to use my dad's tallis (prayer shawl) as the chuppah. Amusingly, his tallis is rainbow-striped, oh the irony.

* We will eventually hyphenate our last names legally to Kahn-Setegn. I wanted a smash-up like Constantine (totally badass and sounds almost like Kahn-Setegn), but she has to keep her last name for publicity reasons.

* Yes, we'll eventually have a ceremony in Canada to make it "legal."

* The lovely suzy_hendrix. is designing goodgothgirl's wedding ensemble I have no idea what I'll be wearing. I'd like to do an awesome pirate-y ensemble, but I don't know how that will figure in budget-wise.

There's much, much more, because goodgothgirl is the Insane Wedding Planning Fiance. Within a month of my proposing she had already bought a wedding planner, if that tells you anything.

Let me know if you want to be on a wedding filter here on LJ, I'll probably post a lot less than goodgothgirl does, lol. We'll probably put together a wedsite (that's a wedding website for those of you who are not Insane Wedding Planners) with info on everything too.

Is it wrong that I feel like I should just get out of goodgothgirl's way? Not to say that I won't be involved, but she's quite the determined planner. It's slightly frightening, lol.

P.S. Thank you thank you thank you to keryx for her offer of her home for our wedding. We would not be having our ceremony this year without her generosity. Seriously, she's totally awesome and I love her and she rocks.

My capacity for emotional slingshotting amazes me.

2009-01-24T02:49:03Z

Just this Wedenesday, I told my therapist that I was ok. I meant it. I felt ready and able to cope with stuff and was surprisingly positive. Flash forward to tonight and I am distinctly not ok.

After a very late night taking care of poor goodgothgirl I managed to haul myself out of bed and get out the door at 7:30. I made it through the first half of the day fueled by a triple venti latte, and the second by a double red-bull. This is in addition to my stimulant ADHD medication. By putting that many stimulants in my body, I managed to disassociate my consciousness from my thought process which was a very strange experience. I could feel myself thinking at top speed, but couldn't do anything with the thoughts. Needless to say work was not very productive.

I got home with the beginnings of a headache, took care of goodgothgirl some more and crashed on the couch for an unknown amount of time. Upon waking, we watched this week's Grey's Anatomy and I absolutely lost it. The episode was incredibly intense and left me bawling. Eventually I realized that I wasn't crying over the episode, I was crying from exhaustion and stress. The thought of doing my homework made me cry even harder, which then made me think about the two final projects I have due next week. One of the projects isn't that big of a deal,but the other is something that I have no idea how I'm supposed to do. What makes it so frustrating is that were I actually able to present my final project, I would have no problem, but you can't do that in an online University.

Add that to things getting increasingly worse at work and I find myself completely unable to cope with anything. Bills need to be paid, groceries bought, and rooms cleaned, and I don't have the brain to do any of these. goodgothgirl's a wreck physically and I'm a wreck emotionally. We are quite the pair.

I technically have a Crash Meeting for Katsucon tomorrow at 12 in Arlington, but I don't know if I'm comfortable leaving goodgothgirl alone. I also feel that I won't be able to function on any sort of higher level tomorrow if I add in the stress of driving an hour and a half away.

I feel very broken. I need brain glue to put my psyche back together.

I can has Twitter!

2009-01-22T02:33:43Z

I have succumbed.

See Jess.
See Jess tweet.
Tweet Jess, tweet.

http://twitter.com/DoktorCrash